gentle parenting - Big Feelings Books

Posted on October 12, 2022March 30, 2023 by kimtsbooks

Rules of Anger

Mom Guilt

I stopped blogging for a while, because I was afraid that maybe I was sharing too much. Most people share only the best parts of their lives online, and here I was talking about Kyle’s most vulnerable ones. I felt guilty, thinking that maybe I was making Kyle seem like a difficult, angry child. In truth, he’s one of the sweetest boys in the world. He’s thoughtful, smart, funny, and kind. I just wanted to share our struggles in hopes that it could help others who are going through the same thing.

As parents, we all have our own opinions about the best way to raise kids. We tend to judge from our own lens, when we should remember that each situation is different. I’m guilty of this, too, and am trying to be more intentional about it. I know I open myself (and Kyle) up to judgement whenever I share snippets of our life. But I choose to continue, because I feel that sharing our experiences can help others. We learn from each other, and that’s how we grow. One thing I’ve learned is not to place too much weight on what other people think. What matters most is what we and the people we love the most think. But it’s good to listen, because there’s always lots we can improve on!

Overcoming Anger

I’ve shared many stories about Kyle’s anger. It’s our main struggle, and it’s why I started writing books about big feelings. The emotions rise and fall, but I’m so proud of how far we’ve come!

A few weeks ago, I was asking Kyle to do something he didn’t want to. He started getting riled up, and it was clear his anger was about to get out of control. His dad was chiming in, which I knew would rile him up even more.

Me: “Take deep breaths, Kyle. I know you’re upset, but don’t let anger control you. Find a way to calm down.”

Kyle: “I can’t control it!!! It’s too strong!”

Me: “You’re stronger than your anger, remember? We learned all the ways to calm down. You know what to do.”

His dad was getting upset, because Kyle was shouting and growling at this point. Things were about to escalate.

“Mom! Help! Get me a pen and paper!”

So I did, and he started to write frantically:

Rules of My Anger: 1. If you try to make me calm down, my anger will stop me. 2. The longer we wait, the angrier I get. 3. I can’t write anymore.

Finding his own way

As he wrote, I could see the anger dissipate. He went through 3 pages before he finally calmed down.

More Rules: If I’m too angry then I will fall asleep. Step 1: Get the iPad. Step 2: Let me watch. Step 3: My brain will fly. Step 4: I don’t know.

1: Dad’s voice sometimes gets me more angry. 2: When someone talks to me, I get more angry. 3: Be more light on me. 4: Blow me using the Big Bad Wolf or Mr. Wolf. 5: Sing or play a song. 6: Punch beds. 7: Run crazy like Sonic. 8: Use pain (danger) X do not use it. 9: Annoy me a bit? (danger) X do not use it. 10: Draw. 11: Rip paper. 12: Kiss me. 13: Making me calm down makes it harder for me to calm down.

Wow.

I felt a sense of warmth and pride as I watched him put these thoughts and feelings onto paper. I was SO proud of him! He remembered all the things we talked about through the years. And he found his own new way to calm down. It seemed like a reassuring pat on the back. Like a voice was telling me- “You did good, momma.” All the hard work and patience paid off. Gentle parenting works. ❤️

What doesn’t work, though, is telling him to calm down and talking too much. Both of which I’m very guilty of. 😂 Noted, my son. I will keep these in mind.

I kept these precious pieces of paper safe. Maybe I’ll laminate them and bring them out the next time he gets angry. It’s been 2 months with no major episodes. Are we in the safe zone? Probably not, but I’m thankful for the journey, wherever it may take us next. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

❤️

“I hate you! I wish you weren’t my mom!”

The other day during online school, my 6-year-old was on the floor, refusing to do his seatwork yet again. My gentle prodding and requests weren’t working, and he was missing the activity.

I brought out my Momster voice: “DO IT,” then I started counting “3, 2, 1..” (which he hates). Full-on drama ensued.

“I WISH YOU WEREN’T MY MOM!!”

“I will always be your mom.”

“I HATE YOU!!”

“Even if you hate me, I will love you forever. I know you don’t want to do this, but you need to learn to sit down properly and do your work. Finish this first, and then we’ll talk about our feelings, okay?”

I gave him the pencil and notebook and he started writing, with tears in his eyes. He kept muttering “I HATE YOU,” while I kept replying “I love you,” until he finished.

“I’m proud of you for finishing your work. I know you didn’t want to do it, but you did what needs to be done. Thank you.”

“I’m still angry at you! I hate you!”

“It’s okay to feel angry. But it’s not okay to say hurtful things. I will love you no matter what you say or do. But you need to be careful with your words. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me or that you don’t like me. But hate is such a strong word and it hurts too much. I’m just shielding my heart, so think very hard before you say it again.”

“I’m angry at you and I don’t like you!”

“That’s okay. I’ll give you some time.”

We talked about other things to get his mind off it. When I managed to get a chuckle out of him, he would stop himself and frown again.

“I’m angry. I want to stay angry. I’m trying my best to stay angry!”

“It’s normal to feel angry. But staying angry for too long will hurt your heart and can make you weak. Anyone can be angry, but not everyone can overcome it. Learning to let go of your anger will make you stronger. We learned about different ways to let go of anger— now you need to try those things and find your way out.”

It took a while of back and forth, but he finally came around.

“Mom, I think I love you again.”

“I’m glad. But I never stopped loving you. I’m so proud of you for being stronger than your anger.”

“Me, too. I’m sorry for getting so angry and for saying those things.”

“It’s okay. Just don’t say them again.”

And then we hugged.

…

Thanks for reading! I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing. I’m far from perfect and definitely not an expert at this. Just a mom sharing her journey, hoping it can help some of you who might be having similar struggles.

What I do know is that a few months ago, I might have gotten angry and lashed out at my son, partly from the shame of seeming to have the only kid in class who keeps having tantrums. I’m trying to remember that how my child acts is not always a reflection of my parenting skills. It’s how I respond that matters.

All kids are different and will develop at their own pace. So we just try our best to be patient, trust our instincts, and adapt. There will always be people who disagree with how we parent. But just as every kid is different, so is every situation, family, and culture. We’re not perfect, but we try our best, and we keep learning and growing. Bad days will come and we may stumble, but we’ll keep moving forward. Because our little ones are counting on us! ❤️

#tantrums #tamingtantrums #gentleparenting #positiveparenting #emotionalregulation #emotionalintelligence #consciousparenting #respectfulparenting #kids #angermanagement

Posted on May 31, 2022March 30, 2023 by kimtsbooks

Nightmares and Fairytales

How do you deal with kids nightmares?. A few months ago, Kyle woke up crying inconsolably. I tried my best to calm him down and assure him- it’s not real; it was just a dream. You’re safe here with me. I asked him what it was about, but he refused and said it was too scary. The next few days, he would tell me bits and pieces about it.

“There was a bad wizard, and an old man. And there were pins and needles.” I was curious to know more, but didn’t want to force him if he wasn’t ready. I suggested we stop watching and reading fairytales for awhile, and then forgot all about it.

Tonight, as I was putting him to sleep, he asked me if I remembered the scary dream that he had.

“The one with the wizard?“

“Yes. It was so scary…”

“Do you want to talk about it and try to make the wizard seem funny?”

“Okay! What if he was like Magic Koopa from Mario?”

“That would be so cute! And what if he liked to dance like the dancing Koopa?

We both started laughing, but then he turned serious again.

“There’s more that I didn’t tell you about, mom, because it’s too scary. There was also an old man who had his head stuck in a helmet. And there was a duck. And the wizard pinned some needles on the duck… like twelve needles. That’s why I called it pins and needles. And they were so big. And you know what? The duck died…”

“Oh no… That is such a sad dream. Can we try to change it a bit so it won’t be as scary?”

“Okay…”

“Well, what if the wizard was a good wizard? And the old man was good, but he was so hungry and he had nothing to eat. The duck was his friend, but the duck was very weak and was about to die soon. And the duck was in so much pain- he said, “please help me, I want to be at peace. You can eat me so that you can be strong again.”

The old man said- “but I do not want to hurt you, you are my friend.” But the duck said: “I am old, and I have lived a long and beautiful life. I am alone and my whole family is in heaven. I would like to be with them.”

So the good wizard said “I can help you. I have magic needles that can help stop the pain.” The needles were big, but they did not hurt. They stopped all of the pain, and the duck was smiling as he died in peace. Then his spirit went to heaven, where his whole family was waiting to embrace him.

The old man was sad, but he knew that the duck was happy. He needed to feed himself, so he prayed, then carefully cooked and ate the duck. He became stronger, and he was finally able to remove the helmet. Then he planted some carrots and vegetables to eat, and swore to take care of all the ducks and never eat them again. And all the ducks were so happy, especially the duck in heaven. Because he was with his family, and he was also able to help his friend become stronger.”

“That’s a nice story, mom.”

“Do you feel better now after talking about it?”

“Yes. Thanks, mommy.”

“Thank you for finally telling me about your dream. I hope you can tell me about it right away next time, so you won’t stay scared for long. Now it’s time to sleep.”

We hugged each other for a while. I thought he had fallen asleep, but then he suddenly put his head up.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Did you enjoy talking about my dream and making it a little bit nice?”

“Yes I did. Very much.”

“Me too.”

And he finally drifted off to sleep.

—-

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If you enjoyed this, I hope you can share it with someone who might need it.

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Check out our children’s books about big feelings!

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