I went back to full-time work after a four-year sabbatical and, while it was exciting, I missed spending time at home with my son. I started second-guessing myself and wondering if I had made the right decision.
Eventually, I settled into work and found my balance. I wrote this down in my journal a few months ago and forgot all about it until I read it the other day. It resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you.
If you ever find yourself struggling with similar feelings, I hope this helps you get through it:
***
Struggle is inevitable.
The next time it happens, draw confidence from your past experience. You struggled, doubted yourself, yet you overcame these obstacles and came out stronger and wiser.
Maybe self-doubt is a feeling you need to sit with.
You can listen to it speak, understand where it’s coming from, then respectfully disagree with it.
You may feel a lack of confidence, but you can choose to believe something else: That despite how it feels right now, you have proven time and again that you are capable of much more than you give yourself credit for.
Maybe these low moments are necessary for growth. They encourage self-reflection and prevent you from the bigger mistakes that can come from over-confidence.
Accept that this feeling will visit once in a while. Welcome it and learn from it, but remember that it is temporary.
Find the lesson, so you can let it go.
You are not your worst enemy, but your best challenger. You challenge yourself to keep struggling and growing. And look how far you’ve come because of it.
Believe in yourself.
If this resonates with you, send me a note. I would love to hear from you.
I stopped blogging for a while, because I was afraid that maybe I was sharing too much. Most people share only the best parts of their lives online, and here I was talking about Kyle’s most vulnerable ones. I felt guilty, thinking that maybe I was making Kyle seem like a difficult, angry child. In truth, he’s one of the sweetest boys in the world. He’s thoughtful, smart, funny, and kind. I just wanted to share our struggles in hopes that it could help others who are going through the same thing.
As parents, we all have our own opinions about the best way to raise kids. We tend to judge from our own lens, when we should remember that each situation is different. I’m guilty of this, too, and am trying to be more intentional about it. I know I open myself (and Kyle) up to judgement whenever I share snippets of our life. But I choose to continue, because I feel that sharing our experiences can help others. We learn from each other, and that’s how we grow. One thing I’ve learned is not to place too much weight on what other people think. What matters most is what we and the people we love the most think. But it’s good to listen, because there’s always lots we can improve on!
Overcoming Anger
I’ve shared many stories about Kyle’s anger. It’s our main struggle, and it’s why I started writing books about big feelings. The emotions rise and fall, but I’m so proud of how far we’ve come!
A few weeks ago, I was asking Kyle to do something he didn’t want to. He started getting riled up, and it was clear his anger was about to get out of control. His dad was chiming in, which I knew would rile him up even more.
Me: “Take deep breaths, Kyle. I know you’re upset, but don’t let anger control you. Find a way to calm down.”
Kyle: “I can’t control it!!! It’s too strong!”
Me: “You’re stronger than your anger, remember? We learned all the ways to calm down. You know what to do.”
His dad was getting upset, because Kyle was shouting and growling at this point. Things were about to escalate.
“Mom! Help! Get me a pen and paper!”
So I did, and he started to write frantically:
Rules of My Anger: 1. If you try to make me calm down, my anger will stop me. 2. The longer we wait, the angrier I get. 3. I can’t write anymore.
Finding his own way
As he wrote, I could see the anger dissipate. He went through 3 pages before he finally calmed down.
More Rules: If I’m too angry then I will fall asleep. Step 1: Get the iPad. Step 2: Let me watch. Step 3: My brain will fly. Step 4: I don’t know.
1: Dad’s voice sometimes gets me more angry. 2: When someone talks to me, I get more angry. 3: Be more light on me. 4: Blow me using the Big Bad Wolf or Mr. Wolf. 5: Sing or play a song. 6: Punch beds. 7: Run crazy like Sonic. 8: Use pain (danger) X do not use it. 9: Annoy me a bit? (danger) X do not use it. 10: Draw. 11: Rip paper. 12: Kiss me. 13: Making me calm down makes it harder for me to calm down.
Wow.
I felt a sense of warmth and pride as I watched him put these thoughts and feelings onto paper. I was SO proud of him! He remembered all the things we talked about through the years. And he found his own new way to calm down. It seemed like a reassuring pat on the back. Like a voice was telling me- “You did good, momma.” All the hard work and patience paid off. Gentle parenting works. ❤️
What doesn’t work, though, is telling him to calm down and talking too much. Both of which I’m very guilty of. 😂 Noted, my son. I will keep these in mind.
I kept these precious pieces of paper safe. Maybe I’ll laminate them and bring them out the next time he gets angry. It’s been 2 months with no major episodes. Are we in the safe zone? Probably not, but I’m thankful for the journey, wherever it may take us next. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
I posted this on social media recently, and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride, hope, and anxiety as I unabashedly took a public stand. To those who are not familiar with Philippine politics, the May 2022 Presidential Elections is crucial because the son of a dictator, plunderer, and kleptocrat is gunning for the presidency, with overwhelming support. The Marcos family has amassed billions (estimated at USD10B) and has spent years quietly revising history through social media with their army of paid trolls and proud supporters.
It is alarming, dismaying, and frightening how many people believe them or are willing to look past their lies. So many of our countrymen believe that Marcos Jr. will bring back the “golden years,” not realizing that his parents were responsible for pillaging our country of its wealth. They see the buildings and structures that stand as “proof” of the Marcoses’ greatness, but they look past the atrocities committed during martial law and the massive debt incurred to finance these projects and their own pockets. They perceive facts as “lies” and refuse to believe mainstream media, relying on personal anecdotes and stories shared on social media.
We value democracy because of what it stands for – a government for the people and by the people. But when those with power have worked so hard and spent so much money to keep the majority of our people in the dark by denying access to proper education and propagating misinformation, or when the system has been so cracked and riddled with corruption that most have become jaded against the possibility of good governance, can our democracy save us or will it end up betraying us?
If Marcos wins, the world will not end. But what value is left in a democracy that embraces plunderers with open arms? Where is the respect for truth and justice, which should be the cornerstones of any government? We are angry because none of this should be possible. And yet here we are, fighting an uphill battle for the good that’s left in our country.
They say we are causing division. That we are mixing politics with morality, as if these are concepts alien to each other. That we should let go of the past and move forward towards a united Philippines. But brilliant minds have said this over and over again in different ways- Unity should not be sought at the expense of truth and justice. Unity, without the essential roots of truth and justice, is false at best and disastrous at worst.
We cannot help but speak up and take a stand. We only wish that those who hear us will listen with an open mind, and make decisions based on what they know is right. There is no gray area. We may see the world through rose-colored glasses, but isn’t that better than settling for less? We have a real shot at this- a chance for a truly better tomorrow. Not better for any one individual, but better for the country that we say we love. When you love someone, you don’t settle for less unless you have exhausted all other options. Look at the sea of pink to see how many of us are fighting. We can win this, but we need you to stand with us.
💕
“All of us want what’s best for our children- so we need to vote for what’s best for their future. No compromises. No half truths or blatant disregard for the truth. We fight for what’s right, not what’s convenient or practical. Because if we lower our standards, then we set the bar lower for what our children can become. They can shine far brighter than we know, if we teach them that the world can be a much better place than it is right now. If we settle for less, we rob them of the future they could have.
The coming Philippine Presidential Elections will set the tone for their future. It can ignite our hope for a country that has been pillaged over and over from the inside out. Or it can break our spirits and show how our democracy has failed us. Each of us must take a stand- please let it be the right one.”
Do you discuss politics with kids? My parents didn’t, maybe because their parents never did, either. But I find that Kyle gets curious whenever he overhears adult conversations. He feels left out, and so I try my best to explain adult topics to him in ways he can understand. I remember that as a child, I would always feel like I was “too young” to understand certain things– and so I wouldn’t even try. It felt disempowering, soI never really took adult topics seriously until very late into adulthood. I figured I’d change that with Kyle.
Back in 2020 we talked about Trump vs. Biden. A few weeks ago, we talked about the bad president who stole a lot of money, whose son is now trying to become president again. And about the good vice president Leni, who we want to become the next president of the Philippines. Because she is good, and brave, and puts the country first. Whenever we see pink parols (lanterns) around, he says: “look mom, kakampink (the coined term for Leni supporters)!”
The Brave Journalist Who Won the Nobel Prize
Last night, I told him about Maria Ressa. A brave journalist (who is like a good version of Peter Parker’s boss at the Daily Bugle), who tells the truth and fights against the bad guys. The bad president wants to put her in jail, but the people of the world saw that she is good and gave her the best prize ever: the Nobel Peace Prize! And in her speech, she said that we need facts. Things we can prove with evidence
“You mean like- fun fact: the anklyosaurus was a herbivore?”
“Yes! But if you say- Kyle is cute- that’s not a fact. It’s just an opinion. Because someone else might say, no, Kyle is not cute, he’s nakakata-cute!” *a play on the Filipino word for scary (nakakatakot)
“You mean like a debate, mom?”
“Yes, where did you learn that?”
“From Youtube- Evolution of Marvel Cartoons.”
(Good to know he learns things from his screen time lol.)
Truth, Democracy, and Equality
So Kyle, do you understand that without facts, there can be no truth? Because how will we know what is true if we can’t prove it? Everyone will be so confused! There can be no shared reality, meaning we will all believe different things. Then there can be no democracy or freedom.
“Mom, next time I will create drones to protect everyone from the bad presidents. Then I will win the Nobel Prize.”
“That’s good! You should try. Just keep doing good things to change the world for the better. And you need to be better. Maria Ressa also talked about the importance of equality. You know what equality means, right?”
“Equal, like in math.”
Yes. The world needs to be more equal. For example, there are too many bosses who are men. There should also be more bosses who are women. It’s dangerous for women journalists because when there are too many men, some of them don’t act nice. They act like bullies, and the women are scared to get hurt. So you- you need to be a gentleman ok? That means that you will be careful and respectful, especially to those who might be weaker than you. Men have more muscles and are physically stronger than women. So if you are not careful, you might hurt them. That’s why you shouldn’t hit mommy- you shouldn’t hit anyone at all!
“But only the bad guys?”
“Well, only if it’s really, really, necessary.”
“And you know, being a gentleman also means being careful with your words. If you keep talking about private parts, girls might get scared of you! (His favorite Filipino word is titi, which means penis. He finds it funny, especially because of this book we read). They will say- why does this boy keep saying titi?”
He paused for a moment and reflected on it, which I found adorable.
“I promise I’ll be a gentleman, mom.”
❤
Believe there is good in the world. Be the good. Our children are truly our future- don’t be afraid to start them young.
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