Big Feelings - Big Feelings Books

Posted on October 12, 2022March 30, 2023 by kimtsbooks

Rules of Anger

Mom Guilt

I stopped blogging for a while, because I was afraid that maybe I was sharing too much. Most people share only the best parts of their lives online, and here I was talking about Kyle’s most vulnerable ones. I felt guilty, thinking that maybe I was making Kyle seem like a difficult, angry child. In truth, he’s one of the sweetest boys in the world. He’s thoughtful, smart, funny, and kind. I just wanted to share our struggles in hopes that it could help others who are going through the same thing.

As parents, we all have our own opinions about the best way to raise kids. We tend to judge from our own lens, when we should remember that each situation is different. I’m guilty of this, too, and am trying to be more intentional about it. I know I open myself (and Kyle) up to judgement whenever I share snippets of our life. But I choose to continue, because I feel that sharing our experiences can help others. We learn from each other, and that’s how we grow. One thing I’ve learned is not to place too much weight on what other people think. What matters most is what we and the people we love the most think. But it’s good to listen, because there’s always lots we can improve on!

Overcoming Anger

I’ve shared many stories about Kyle’s anger. It’s our main struggle, and it’s why I started writing books about big feelings. The emotions rise and fall, but I’m so proud of how far we’ve come!

A few weeks ago, I was asking Kyle to do something he didn’t want to. He started getting riled up, and it was clear his anger was about to get out of control. His dad was chiming in, which I knew would rile him up even more.

Me: “Take deep breaths, Kyle. I know you’re upset, but don’t let anger control you. Find a way to calm down.”

Kyle: “I can’t control it!!! It’s too strong!”

Me: “You’re stronger than your anger, remember? We learned all the ways to calm down. You know what to do.”

His dad was getting upset, because Kyle was shouting and growling at this point. Things were about to escalate.

“Mom! Help! Get me a pen and paper!”

So I did, and he started to write frantically:

Rules of My Anger: 1. If you try to make me calm down, my anger will stop me. 2. The longer we wait, the angrier I get. 3. I can’t write anymore.

Finding his own way

As he wrote, I could see the anger dissipate. He went through 3 pages before he finally calmed down.

More Rules: If I’m too angry then I will fall asleep. Step 1: Get the iPad. Step 2: Let me watch. Step 3: My brain will fly. Step 4: I don’t know.

1: Dad’s voice sometimes gets me more angry. 2: When someone talks to me, I get more angry. 3: Be more light on me. 4: Blow me using the Big Bad Wolf or Mr. Wolf. 5: Sing or play a song. 6: Punch beds. 7: Run crazy like Sonic. 8: Use pain (danger) X do not use it. 9: Annoy me a bit? (danger) X do not use it. 10: Draw. 11: Rip paper. 12: Kiss me. 13: Making me calm down makes it harder for me to calm down.

Wow.

I felt a sense of warmth and pride as I watched him put these thoughts and feelings onto paper. I was SO proud of him! He remembered all the things we talked about through the years. And he found his own new way to calm down. It seemed like a reassuring pat on the back. Like a voice was telling me- “You did good, momma.” All the hard work and patience paid off. Gentle parenting works. ❤️

What doesn’t work, though, is telling him to calm down and talking too much. Both of which I’m very guilty of. 😂 Noted, my son. I will keep these in mind.

I kept these precious pieces of paper safe. Maybe I’ll laminate them and bring them out the next time he gets angry. It’s been 2 months with no major episodes. Are we in the safe zone? Probably not, but I’m thankful for the journey, wherever it may take us next. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

❤️

“I hate you! I wish you weren’t my mom!”

The other day during online school, my 6-year-old was on the floor, refusing to do his seatwork yet again. My gentle prodding and requests weren’t working, and he was missing the activity.

I brought out my Momster voice: “DO IT,” then I started counting “3, 2, 1..” (which he hates). Full-on drama ensued.

“I WISH YOU WEREN’T MY MOM!!”

“I will always be your mom.”

“I HATE YOU!!”

“Even if you hate me, I will love you forever. I know you don’t want to do this, but you need to learn to sit down properly and do your work. Finish this first, and then we’ll talk about our feelings, okay?”

I gave him the pencil and notebook and he started writing, with tears in his eyes. He kept muttering “I HATE YOU,” while I kept replying “I love you,” until he finished.

“I’m proud of you for finishing your work. I know you didn’t want to do it, but you did what needs to be done. Thank you.”

“I’m still angry at you! I hate you!”

“It’s okay to feel angry. But it’s not okay to say hurtful things. I will love you no matter what you say or do. But you need to be careful with your words. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me or that you don’t like me. But hate is such a strong word and it hurts too much. I’m just shielding my heart, so think very hard before you say it again.”

“I’m angry at you and I don’t like you!”

“That’s okay. I’ll give you some time.”

We talked about other things to get his mind off it. When I managed to get a chuckle out of him, he would stop himself and frown again.

“I’m angry. I want to stay angry. I’m trying my best to stay angry!”

“It’s normal to feel angry. But staying angry for too long will hurt your heart and can make you weak. Anyone can be angry, but not everyone can overcome it. Learning to let go of your anger will make you stronger. We learned about different ways to let go of anger— now you need to try those things and find your way out.”

It took a while of back and forth, but he finally came around.

“Mom, I think I love you again.”

“I’m glad. But I never stopped loving you. I’m so proud of you for being stronger than your anger.”

“Me, too. I’m sorry for getting so angry and for saying those things.”

“It’s okay. Just don’t say them again.”

And then we hugged.

…

Thanks for reading! I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing. I’m far from perfect and definitely not an expert at this. Just a mom sharing her journey, hoping it can help some of you who might be having similar struggles.

What I do know is that a few months ago, I might have gotten angry and lashed out at my son, partly from the shame of seeming to have the only kid in class who keeps having tantrums. I’m trying to remember that how my child acts is not always a reflection of my parenting skills. It’s how I respond that matters.

All kids are different and will develop at their own pace. So we just try our best to be patient, trust our instincts, and adapt. There will always be people who disagree with how we parent. But just as every kid is different, so is every situation, family, and culture. We’re not perfect, but we try our best, and we keep learning and growing. Bad days will come and we may stumble, but we’ll keep moving forward. Because our little ones are counting on us! ❤️

#tantrums #tamingtantrums #gentleparenting #positiveparenting #emotionalregulation #emotionalintelligence #consciousparenting #respectfulparenting #kids #angermanagement

Posted on May 31, 2022March 30, 2023 by kimtsbooks

Nightmares and Fairytales

How do you deal with kids nightmares?. A few months ago, Kyle woke up crying inconsolably. I tried my best to calm him down and assure him- it’s not real; it was just a dream. You’re safe here with me. I asked him what it was about, but he refused and said it was too scary. The next few days, he would tell me bits and pieces about it.

“There was a bad wizard, and an old man. And there were pins and needles.” I was curious to know more, but didn’t want to force him if he wasn’t ready. I suggested we stop watching and reading fairytales for awhile, and then forgot all about it.

Tonight, as I was putting him to sleep, he asked me if I remembered the scary dream that he had.

“The one with the wizard?“

“Yes. It was so scary…”

“Do you want to talk about it and try to make the wizard seem funny?”

“Okay! What if he was like Magic Koopa from Mario?”

“That would be so cute! And what if he liked to dance like the dancing Koopa?

We both started laughing, but then he turned serious again.

“There’s more that I didn’t tell you about, mom, because it’s too scary. There was also an old man who had his head stuck in a helmet. And there was a duck. And the wizard pinned some needles on the duck… like twelve needles. That’s why I called it pins and needles. And they were so big. And you know what? The duck died…”

“Oh no… That is such a sad dream. Can we try to change it a bit so it won’t be as scary?”

“Okay…”

“Well, what if the wizard was a good wizard? And the old man was good, but he was so hungry and he had nothing to eat. The duck was his friend, but the duck was very weak and was about to die soon. And the duck was in so much pain- he said, “please help me, I want to be at peace. You can eat me so that you can be strong again.”

The old man said- “but I do not want to hurt you, you are my friend.” But the duck said: “I am old, and I have lived a long and beautiful life. I am alone and my whole family is in heaven. I would like to be with them.”

So the good wizard said “I can help you. I have magic needles that can help stop the pain.” The needles were big, but they did not hurt. They stopped all of the pain, and the duck was smiling as he died in peace. Then his spirit went to heaven, where his whole family was waiting to embrace him.

The old man was sad, but he knew that the duck was happy. He needed to feed himself, so he prayed, then carefully cooked and ate the duck. He became stronger, and he was finally able to remove the helmet. Then he planted some carrots and vegetables to eat, and swore to take care of all the ducks and never eat them again. And all the ducks were so happy, especially the duck in heaven. Because he was with his family, and he was also able to help his friend become stronger.”

“That’s a nice story, mom.”

“Do you feel better now after talking about it?”

“Yes. Thanks, mommy.”

“Thank you for finally telling me about your dream. I hope you can tell me about it right away next time, so you won’t stay scared for long. Now it’s time to sleep.”

We hugged each other for a while. I thought he had fallen asleep, but then he suddenly put his head up.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Did you enjoy talking about my dream and making it a little bit nice?”

“Yes I did. Very much.”

“Me too.”

And he finally drifted off to sleep.

—-

💙

If you enjoyed this, I hope you can share it with someone who might need it.

💙

Check out our children’s books about big feelings!

💙

KFC

In online class today, Kyle had a literacy practice sheet, which he thankfully focused on and answered properly. But right after a short break, they had a math test that he scribbled almost illegible numbers on with his head on the desk. I had to remind him several times to sit properly and focus. I even tried to motivate (i.e. bribe) him with a small stuffed toy if he does well. But after answering one question, he would refuse to answer the next one.

“It’s too hard, mom!”

“I know you can do it, because you’ve done it so many times and gotten the right answer. I think you just don’t want to try.”

“No, I don’t know it. It’s true!”

He then pouted his lips and squeezed his eyes, trying to force imaginary tears that wouldn’t come out.

“You know love, it’s okay to cry if you really feel like crying. But if you’re forcing yourself to cry, it’s not good for you.”

I was trying to make sure he wouldn’t miss any items on his test, because he has a deal with his dad and really wants to “win” a PS4 by working hard in school. He knows how to subtract- he just doesn’t like writing down the solution. I was trying to console him while checking our dinner, so when my husband wanted to turn off the stove I was pre-heating because he thought I had accidentally left it on, I snapped.

“Mom, remember what you asked me earlier today?”

I honestly couldn’t remember, and he kept giving me cryptic clues that I couldn’t figure out. Finally, he typed this on the computer:

“Kyle, what makes you feel the most loved?” Then he made an X sign with his fingers on the word “most.”

Oh. 🙊

This morning, I asked him that because I wanted to talk about our love languages.

“Are you saying you don’t feel that mommy loves you right now?”

He nodded.

I hugged him and felt guilty, but also recognized the emotional blackmail.😅

“You know, love is not always something you feel. If you’re doing something wrong, like acting lazy, I will push you to do better. Even if you end up not liking me, it’s okay. What’s important to me is that you grow up to be the best person that you can be. You told me that you feel most loved when mommy and daddy tell you we love you, right? So always remember that even if it doesn’t feel that way, mommy always loves you. Believe what I say.”

“Okay, mom. I feel better now.”

He stayed after class with teacher to finish the test. Afterwards, we talked about it.

“I’m sorry for getting angry. It’s not so important to me that you get all the answers right. What’s more important for me is that you try your best. If you do that and still get a lot of wrong answers, it’s okay. I’ll still be proud of you. I’ll help you fix it so you can do better next time. But if you don’t try your best, I’ll be disappointed. Were you trying your best?”

“No mom, I was being a bit lazy.”

“It’s good that you know, because knowing is half the battle! Now all you have to do is fix it.”

“Okay, so it’s: K=Know, F=Fix. What’s C?”

“Hmm. How about… conquer?”

“Okay, so that’s K.. F.. C!!”

🤣

Happy Valentine’s day to all.❤️

Posted on January 28, 2022March 30, 2023 by kimtsbooks

“Being a kid can really stink.”

Yesterday over lunch, I was busy on my phone so I didn’t notice right away that Kyle had been lying face down on the couch for quite a while. Every time yaya would ask him to come and eat, he would answer with a protesting grunt and stay face down, hugging his furry dinosaur.

“What’s wrong Kyle, what happened?”
grunt

I could hear him crying, so I decided to distract him for a bit. I find that it works for us, and puts him in a better mood to talk about what happened after.

“Kyle, do you want to get some toys from the attic? Do you want to hear a funny story? May I order 1 hug, please?”

When none of that worked, I asked if he wanted to be left alone. He said no, so I thought of reading him the next book I’m working on- Feeling All My Anger:

“Look for a hug, just hug someone- your mommy or your daddy
Your favorite toy, your favorite blankie- or maybe hug your nanny!

Imagine that the hug’s so strong, it drowns out all the flames
A hug that’s from someone you love, accepts and never blames..”

He kept grunting after every line, but I could feel him calming down. I carried him in my arms and hugged him tight as I read those lines. Almost there, but not quite.

“Kyle, what’s that game you were asking me about that you wanted me to check? Should we google it together?”

“Sega Genesis,” he nodded his head in reply, while wiping the tears from his eyes.

We searched for it on my phone and he started talking normally again.

“What happened, Kyle, why were you upset?”

“I don’t know, mom, I don’t remember.”

“Alright. Should we eat now?”

“Okay.”

After a few minutes:

“Mom, I want to tell you something but I’m scared.”

“You never have to be scared of me, Kyle. You can tell me anything. I don’t ever want you to be scared of me.”

“Okay, let me tell you through a book.”

I followed him to his book cabinet and he showed me the back of his favorite book right now- Diary of a Wimpy Kid. It said:

“Oohhhh I understand. It’s not nice to always be bossed around, huh? You didn’t want to yet, but we kept nagging you to eat?”

He smiled and nodded his head in reply.

“You know what, Kyle? Mommy, Daddy, and Yaya were also kids once. So we know how it feels. And I find it so cool that you told me what you feel using a book!”

“Yeah, me too!”

“But you know what? It’s also a lot of fun being a kid. Last Christmas did mommy and daddy get any toys? None! And how many toys did you get? Sooo many!”

“Well… you got some toys when YOU were a kid.”

“Yeah that’s why it’s so cool to be a kid. Do you want to show dad what you showed me?”

He ran to his dad and showed the back of the book, underlining the same line with his fingers.

His dad took a serious tone and started enumerating how lucky Kyle is, counting his fingers for emphasis: “You have food, you have your own room, you have toys and video games- not all kids have those.”

Kyle copied him and started enumerating his rebuttals while counting with his fingers: “Well, other kids have food also, and a room, and toys..”

“No, most kids don’t have those, especially here in the Philippines.”

Kyle in a smart aleck voice: “I’m talking about the Kids in America!”

“No, a lot of kids in America also don’t have those.”

“Well.. I’m talking about the billionaires.”

To which we all laughed and proceeded to enjoy our lunch.

—-

Later that day:

“Mom, I’m adding this to my worst days list.”

“Huh? Why?? I thought we were having so much fun today after you calmed down.”

“Well, I guess it’s okay. So it’s an okay day.”

“Alright, okay is good!”

Wishing for more okay days for everyone!😄